GREG GUUTFELD: Dogs create infinitely more love than problems

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All right, let’s do a monologue. Now, this might get a little weird, so stick with me. But tonight I want to talk about dogs. As I’m sure many of you know, I recently got a dog of my own. Yes, I got tired of stealing from others at the park.

Well, his name is Gus. And unlike the cast of “The View,” he doesn’t bite people when he’s hungry and he’s nearly potty trained. And unlike Joe Biden, he doesn’t mark his territory with urine and can climb stairs on his own. True, Joe is just another mammal that needs to be walked.

But since I got Gus, I’ve started to realize something interesting about dogs in relation to politics. You see, I think dogs are the great unifier. That as much as certain leaders try to tear this country apart, sometimes dogs quietly help keep us together. Good. Pelosi is very divisive, but that’s because she’s 90% pit bull. But we’ve been together for 30,000 years. You know, when people were barely dressed and smelled terrible. But enough about Seth Rogen.


So we must really like dogs. Think about it. Dogs might be the one thing people on all sides of the political spectrum can agree on that they love. Well, that and the pizza. You know, communists love dogs too, but usually on pizza. Hey, the truth hurts. Remember that during the riots, or, as CNN called them, “peaceful protests,” there were no pet store fires. Well, there used to be a shop, but the animals were rescued by a guy.


So why is this so? Well, part of it is that pets provide — dogs provide — the perfect companions without the baggage. Dogs are easy to understand. They want food, walks, cuddles. It’s like a spouse without the grievances. And as a spouse, they sometimes bring me a dead bird for my birthday. But while a friend might tell you about global warming, your corgi will never bark at you about the Green New Deal. He might poop on your living room carpet, but Jerry Nadler will do both.

But some dogs can be interested in politics if they have the right mentor. Here’s Gus as he hears Tucker’s show start.


TUCKER CARLSON: Good evening and welcome to “Tucker Carlson Tonight”. The frustrating thing about the news media, no matter how awful, is that you need it. You cannot understand the world except through the news media.

But here’s Gus hearing Brian Kilmeade.



To be fair to Gus, almost everyone has that reaction when they hear Brian Kilmeade talk, including meth and crack addicts. And sure, there are some interesting parallels between dogs and Democrats. We know that dogs, like some Dems, will jump anything given the chance. And yes, some dogs and some Dems have fleas. And dogs sometimes fart on TV. But for the most part, dogs create infinitely more love in this world than problems.


And if you still don’t believe me, consider this. Me, Kat and AOC all have French. So a righty, a libertarian, and a crazy lefty all own the same race. Talk about unity. But damn I’m sorry for the bastard from AOC. He imagines listening to that bark all day and constantly having to clean up after her. Oh.

And no offense to the cats or cat owners out there, your pets have plenty for them to do, too. But shitting in a box in the kitchen isn’t one of them. And if you’re a professional wrestler who owns turtles, that’s fine too. Giant tortoises would make a great pet for Nancy Pelosi. Both live for hundreds of years.

But remember, next time you accidentally spill peanut butter and I’m not sure how you pour it, but if you do it somewhere on your body, your cat won’t be there to help you get it off. But your dog or maybe Brian Stelter sure will. If Ana Navarro doesn’t beat him to the punch.

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